From my desk this week:
You may not know the significance of this date so here it is – it is halfway between Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox – this means we are halfway through winter and halfway to spring! YIPPEE!
I feel like I have turned a corner in my life – hit my Groundhog’s day, so to say. Probably more than halfway to the end, but maybe not. Better late than never – right?
WAKE UP CALL!
In May of 2013 my husband of 43 years (at that time) had a massive heart attack. (He survived.) He had just turned 64 years old. Way too young for such an event – in my humble opinion. It was a gigantic wake up call for both of us as well as for many folk close to us. Of course there was the immediate scramble to cover the bases, we still had to eat, clean house, get kids to school and all the daily stuff that he normally was a part of.
But there was the big picture too. What are those things that we are going to do when we get a moment or when we get around to them. What are we here for – really?
There is a Martha Graham quote that has motivated me for the last twenty years or so. I keep coming back to it. Making tentative gestures towards my own expression of life.
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it.”
I have been diddling around my whole life waiting for it to be my turn to have my life. But in reality just diddling around afraid that I would do that thing that I really want to do, be that person that I really want to be and fail. Or look like a fool. What if I put my whole heart and soul on the table, stripped naked in my vulnerability and failed.
THE REST OF THE STORY
But then there is the rest of the story – the last half of the quote that is usually not noticed:
“It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.”
It is just my job to do and be my most desired self? WHAT? This is IT! It is time! My capacity and capabilities are sufficient to the task. This is the year, 2015, that I will write and travel, teach and learn, make art and sell it.
Stand back I might get on you!
To finish the quote. “…You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. … No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others” – Martha Graham